at he moment is right now. Bedtime. I am in bed at quarter to twelve just writing this and then i get to turn the lights out and for SEVEN and a HALF hours i have a perfectly valid excuse for not working! this would have been a blessing for my parents some years ago when i begged to be able to stay up to watch animal hospital which FINISHED at half 8...and then id sit really reallly quietly and (quite stupidly) think they might forget i was there...ah what it is to be young!!
When my alarm goes off an HOUR before im due to get up i trick myself into thinking that im having a lie in, when in fact its half past six and even birds are still asleep. (well at least i cant hear the pigeons coooing away on the other side of the roof)...and then i get up and sit...hoping....wishing...praying that the Fear will come.
I dont know if this is a new thing, or whether my motivation got used up getting in to university (yes i do obviously still want to be here, i just dont want to do any work...) but i CANT be productive until ive got it. THE FEAAAAAAAAAAAAAR. it suddenly grabs your heart and stomach and twists, as your brain races through your ineptitude at your subject and lists all the things you dont know....how an ecg works, what the bony attachments for the diaphragm are, the course of the obturator nerve, the brachial plexus, the origins and insertions of all 20 muscles of the forearm, how to set up a spirometer, where the points are to auscultate the individual lobes of the lungs...hell, i cant even remember if the new guidelines for CPR say that 'nelly the elephant' or 'staying alive' are the best songs to sing to get the correct BPM.
I still havent got it. This doesnt mean that im not working, but i kind of feel like im drifting through my work, whats the rush?
Its the time of year where our library is open 24/7 and people take sleeping bags along with their laptops in order to not lose their spot. The time of year where people go a bit crazy from staying in and working. I havent been to the library once. mainly because biking there with the amount of books ive got to use would probably give me a hernia...and also because all my housemates already go which means the house is empty- basically the library comes to me!
and theres a kettle here.
So tomorrow i'll get up and do my anatomy flash cards and look at some drugs and hope that sometime during the day i have some kind of mental seizure that means i start to feel like my first exam is on monday, and not in 2 months time...
COME ON FEAR I NEED YOU.
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